By Jeff Bell.
We often hear today “It takes a village to raise a child”.
To me the essence of the aphorism is that education comes from many quarters and experiences.
There are 1 to 1 relationships and there are institutional programs. I have seen my own children and grandchildren flourish both in the home and in collaborative environments.
They have grown up knowing that the world offers many wonderful learning experiences and, around 10 years old, they have begun to assume the prime responsibility for their own learning. They have become drivers of their own growth.
They are securely on the path of lifelong learning.
But it goes even deeper than this. I also believe that there needs to be at least one person in the child’s life who devotes themselves to nurturing that child. If the child is truly blessed, there will be 2 or several or many. This child grows up know that they are loved and valued. That they have protection from all the potential dangers that may surround them. And that they will never be abandoned—physically or emotionally.
Such people have the best opportunity to grow to their full potential, adapting to an ever-changing and challenging world. They are tomorrow’s leaders.
But who delivers this nurturing of someone?
Most apparent, but not exclusively, it will be the parent. It may also be the older sibling, the aunt, the uncle, the grandparent, the close family friend. In business, it’s the authentic leader. In truth, all of these people are leaders whether in title or in behaviour.
And what does it take to be a nurturer?
There is emotional intelligence—being able to read other people’s emotions and to respond with empathy; being able to deliver your messages in a way that is likely to be understood and accepted by that precious person.
It also involves being able to identify our own emotions, to regulate them according to any given situation, exercising patience, impulse control and delayed gratification.
And it’s about being in dialogue—a frank and calm exchange between equals, regardless of age, gender or any other perceived difference.
It’s tough to do.
Moreover, there is a set of values and associated behaviours that drive and sustain being able to nurture someone. For example:
- Commitment—we choose what is right then we lock it in: We set clear goals and follow a plan to achieve them. We ask ourselves “What can I do to make this better?” when things go wrong. We are responsible for our own feelings and actions.
- Curiosity—we constantly pursue learning opportunities: We are open to giving and receiving feedback. We seek both the logic and the emotion in all our choices. We are willing to share our knowledge and assist others to learn.
- Humility—we maintain a sense of proportion: We see that we always have something to learn. We do not make acts of giving conditional on receiving. We are not envious of those who appear to have “more” or “better” than us.
- Integrity—we live our word: We do what we say we will do. We speak up for our values rather than remain silent. We are able to admit to our mistakes.
- Enjoyment—we seek to create a full and happy life: We strive to maintain peak health and fitness. We seek to balance time and energy spent on work, family and social activities. We maintain our sense of humour in adversity.
- Fairness—we promote justice for everyone: We support others regardless of race, gender, age, class, religion or politics. We focus on the process, rather than blaming the person in a conflict. We seek to create freedom of choice for ourselves and others.
When we see someone else as a cause, the cause in our life, we are set to nurture. But this is more than the reflex of parenthood. It needs to be willful, because it takes courage—to know the depth and the duration of the risks of devotion, but to proceed anyway.
It takes the selflessness of raising someone else above ourselves—putting aside short term comfort to devote our time energy, love and attention in the service of another’s life and development.